How Predictable Is This?

From "Cultivators Handbook of Marijuana" (1969)
From “Cultivators Handbook of Marijuana” (1969)

While the Feds have literally starved researchers who want to investigate the health benefits of Cannabis, anyone who can find an excuse to look into how evil the little flowers are is showered with cash.

To wit: Cannabinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome. (AKA retching & barfing)

It seems that “Potheads”, as the DEA likes to call Cannabis users, still playing around with a phrase that came in with Harry Anslinger (a real prick – look him up if you’re not familiar), are prone to sudden attacks of nausea and vomiting and that the only cure for this new “disease” is a hot shower. Not cold – hot. Wow – thanks guys! I can clue you in to a few other things that a hot shower works well for too – does that mean I can get a grant?

Now, one of the things that I’ve noticed – and this isn’t trivial, from a scientific point of view – is that researchers who are investigating the bad, bad effects of Cannabis on people NEVER ask those people what kind of Cannabis they are using. Probably because they don’t know the difference between Mexican Smash and White Widow, and they certainly don’t know and don’t care that there’s a big difference between smoking a bud and smoking Wax or Shatter. It’s all Pot, all bad, all the time. And we can prove that it’s horrible for you – just look at our anecdotal data and trust us because we’ve got MD & PhD  behind our name.

You know what? I’m 75 years old and I’ve been smoking Cannabis since some friends of mine and I made our first run from Ithaca to Harlem in 1959 to score an actual kilo. Man, that car smelled super-strong all the way back to Ithaca. We were sure that as we passed through the little towns on the way that every sleeping cop in the burg would snap wide awake and come flashing in pursuit. We were so relieved when we made it back to our apartment and then put the word out that we had joints available.

That’s right – the three of us sat there and rolled joints until the entire Kilo was gone – less a small stash we kept for ourselves. And when we counted our little pile of cash we looked at each other and said – this could be a good deal.

Now, of course this story is pure fiction – just to establish my credibility as an old pot smoker.

But the point is that I’ve been around throughout most of the evolution of Modern Cannabis, and I have to tell you that the time or two that I’ve tried some of the hot new stuff like Wax and Shatter, I got pretty dizzy and nauseated too. Didn’t head for the shower though – my bad. And some of the new ultra-high THC strains are a little more than I can handle as well. If I was in my twenties, it might be a different story, but I’m not.

So, I’m not at all surprised that some so-called “researchers” on the government payroll can find Cannabis users who confess to symptoms that can be named “Cannabinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome”, and I’m really not surprised that they don’t know, or care to know shit about the difference between a bud and concentrated extract.

I also have to admit that I MUCH prefer smoking a nice, simple, beautifully-formed and sparkling-with-resin bud. Much.

Kinda like I used to be able to go through a Fifth of Sour Mash whiskey in an evening but now even one glass of wine makes me more sleepy than giddy. Age – it’s what happens if you live long enough.

As a good friend of mine, now long dead, once said “Everything in moderation – including moderation.” Wisdom to live by. But “Cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome”? Go fuck yourselves, sellouts.

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